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May 10, 2005 Divorce:
crafting a good ending Author: Rhonda Section: ACCENT Article Text: Methods new to ///// Roy Martin was served with
divorce papers during finals week in his first semester of his first year of
law school. The bitter divorce dragged out a year and even then, Martin and
his ex-wife had to return to court to re-litigate the custody of their
children. So when he thought about how
he could help other people, divorce law immediately came to mind. It only took three years for
disillusionment to creep in. By year five, he was ready to start over in a
new area. One case in particular rattled
him. He won custody for a father who took his two children to Martin will never know what
really happened. "But the children had become cynical. They felt like
their feelings weren't important. So when I look back on the people I thought
I'd helped, I started wondering if that was true." There's certainly no shortage
of failed unions. State health department data show there were 5,604
marriages in 2003 in And even with the talk of as
many as half of marriages failing and with the tabloids speculating on who
will get what now that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have officially called
it! quits, divorce doesn't have to turn into the
nightmare from Provided, that is, that
spouses on their way to being ex-spouses can leave their pain at the door and
walk into a room together to craft a good ending - even if it doesn't include
happily-ever-after. After hunting around for
another way, Martin found collaborative divorce. Under this model, still
relatively new to "You're supporting the
family as you take it apart and put it back together in a different way, but
in a way that still works," said Martin, who has helped people end
marriages this way for about five years. Families that negotiate agreements
are more vested in the decision, he said, as opposed to the traditional
approach. "Unfortunately, many people ! grew up watching too
much Perry Mason," Martin said. "They think the c ourt will magically dispense perfect justice." The court is more like a
hospital emergency room, he explained. "If you need it, thank God it's
there, but it's a scary and painful place and no one in their right mind
should be there if they can avoid it." The risk? That
negotiations will fail. If that happens, the attorneys are dismissed
and the couple starts all over again using the more conventional approach,
which can often exhaust a family's financial resources and build up
animosity. Tom Salgado, a 48-year-old
wholesale liquor manager, was married to his high school sweetheart for 21
years when it became clear they had just grown apart. Counseling
didn't work. They agreed they needed to live apart for their 10-year-old
daughter's sake. His wife suggested
collaborative divorce, which she'd heard about in a divorce recovery group.
"I didn't think it could be done," Salgado said. "I'd heard so
many horror stories." It wasn't stress-free, he con!
cedes, and there were occasional flare-ups. But the Salgados and their attorneys crafted an agreement that
would work for both parties. The divorce was final in January and Salgado and
his ex-wife still talk frequently. Another similar method is
cooperative divorce, which is handled through a trained mediator. Attorneys
may serve as legal advisers and help draft documents, but are not actively
involved in negotiations. If that doesn't work, the spouses could try
collaborative divorce or traditional divorce. The Divorce Resource Network,
which encourages cooperative divorce, recently got off the ground in Lennon said she modeled her project on the medical profession, where anesth! esiologists
and nurses and surgeons all work together to ensure a pati
ent's health. "Ultimately, we want to keep as
many families out of court as we possibly can." Susan Vanatta,
then Susan Daniel, never anticipated the breakup of
her 21-year marriage a decade ago. "It was a huge, huge blow. It pretty
much cratered me," said Vanatta, 55. A former schoolteacher then
working part-time at the Despite the feelings of guilt
on one side and betrayal on the other, Vanatta and
her then-husband decided for the sake of their two children to take a
mediation approach, which was relatively new then. Out of court, they hashed
out custody issues, then the money and assets, and finally the
who-gets-what-pictures kind of stuff. When she found a divorce
recovery group, Vanatta said, "It brought me
out of ! the significantly
deep hole I was in and helped me realize that life goes on, in spite of
divorce." She's now in her 10th year of
volunteering with the program and the embodiment of hope for divorced folks
everywhere. She learned to be happy being single and she found a new passion
- competitive ballroom dance. And now for the happily-ever-after:
Vanatta met someone at those dance lessons. And she
married him five years ago. ///// For more information * Learn more about the
cooperative approach to divorce with presentations by an attorney, a mediator
and a financial adviser from The Divorce Resource Network of Arizona. Couples
are encouraged to attend together. * When: 9 a.m.- noon Saturday for couples without minor children. 9
a.m.-noon May 21 for couples with minor children. * Where: *Cost: $35! per person, $65
per couple *Information and registration:
www .tdrnaz.org ///// How to make it easier on the
kids * No matter what went on in
the marriage, spouses need to remember to protect the children, said Frank
Williams, who founded the Divorce Recovery program 26 years ago at the Family
Counseling Agency. "I think divorce is the
most traumatic experience children go through," he said. Most, he added,
"are pretty resilient. They find their way through it. But what they
need to know is that they're loved and cared for and they didn't cause the
divorce." * To help them, make sure they
aren't caught in the middle. *Don't make children report on
what's going on at the other home. *Don't make them carry
messages. *Don't ask them to judge the
other parent. *And don't make them your
confidante. Save that job for an adult. ///// More resources * Divorce Recovery is a
support and educational program offered through the Family Counseling Agency to help people and families ge! t through the end of their
marriages. *Ten-week adult support groups
begin twice every month throughout *Groups for children of
divorce are offered four times each year for grades K-12. A parent must
attend and nursery care is available. *Groups are free. * Once divorce is completed,
other help is available. * Beginning Again helps the
newly divorced transition into being single. * Step-parenting classes are
offered quarterly for five weeks. *Call 323-3952 or visit
www.divorcerecovery.net for more on dates and times. ///// * Contact reporter Rhonda Bodfield Bloom at 807-8031 or at rbloom@azstarnet.com. Copyright 2005 The |